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Cheshire Cat

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[19 Jun 2006|08:12am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

i told my mom that i had no future.
and then my brother tried to high five me.
yes, let's celebrate that i'm fucked.

it sucks. i have the opportunity to do basically whatever i want with my life, the only things holding me back is my own will. i could become a fucking doctor if i really wanted to. i have this chance, this freedom to do whatever i want and yet i don't know what to do. everyone asks me what i like and i say animals. the only decent job working with animals is a vet, but i tried that road and i'm like fuck that. a farmer? fuck no. can you imagine me? sure i enjoy it but i could never do that as a job. i wouldn't want to.

meghan likes music. meghan has a plan on what she wants to do and how to get there.
chris likes computers. he wants to do something with computers.
i like animals. but i don't seem to want to do anything in that field.

i have considered being an ag teacher. but i don't know if i could do it.

can i just be a housewife?
can i just get married and take care of the kids.
that's really all i want to do.

yeah so the whole guy situation. i kind of fell for a guy, which is really retarded because he really should only be a friend. we met at a concert and started talking from there. we talked like every day and i enjoyed it. he's such a sweet nice kid. we really didn't see each other often but we went to concerts and it was fun. even drove up all the way to oregon to see a concert when i hadn't even known him for 2 months. he's seriously such an amazing guy, like he's had such an effect on me. but i must have pushed for too much, which was again retarded of me because in chico he lived an hour and a half away, and it could have never worked out. now we never talk. he also works pretty much everyday from early to late. but i still feel like our whole friendship got fucked up because what i did. ugh it was so horrible. basically it was drunk girl not wanting him to go. god dammit. i dont even know what i said.

so long story short, i lost a wonderful guy. someone who it really wouldn't have worked out with and lost him as a friend too. that's probably the worst part. it's not every day that someone who has managed to make you take a whole new outlook on life picks you up on the side of the street.
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[01 Mar 2006|10:13pm]
i never appreciated the rain.
its amazing
when it sprinkles.

just walk.
talk a walk in the rain.

you'll know what i mean.
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[14 Feb 2006|03:20pm]
Confined- As I Lay Dying
That night I never came home.
Wandering souls captured my thoughts..
Emptiness filled my mind.
Urgency spoke her lies.
In the confines of these gray walls.
I watched them move together.
Taking me places I cannot remember (remember).
We have been poured out...
Into this loveless bride..
How quickly I forget...
That this is meaningless.
How quickly I forget...
That this is meaningless.
In a world passing through my fingers.
I still chase the wind.
How quickly I forget...
That this is meaningless
How quickly I forget...
That this is meaningless
what have I learned from yesterday?
what have I learned from yesterday?
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[07 Jan 2006|05:03pm]
So I haven't posted since before I moved in at Chico. Yeah so this has just become my little diary and the only people that might read this are Sarah and my sister, and I don't really mind. I don't have a diary anymore and I think my mom found it, so fuck it. I like to write. Plus it's hysterical to go back to this and read the shit I write.

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[13 Jul 2005|10:11pm]
If you didn't know, I got first in advanced sheep showmanship. But honestly, who reads this? I just use this to vent and rant so I don't explode. And that's what I'm doing now.

I am horrified to do master showmanship on sunday. horrified. I always thought I could do it. I mean I know what a good showman does for every species and what makes them good. Problem is I can't do it. I've watched all the shows and such, but it.. I don't know. Today was my first day showing a pig. Like I've done it at the school before, but never really was trying. I know that you squat, don't touch the pig only with the stick, nothing below the neck, judge-pig-you... all that stuff. But I cannot do it! I don't know how to hold the stick correctly or just how hard I can smack a pig or how you can manage to manuver a pig and stare at the judge! I am horrified.

I'm against matt reed. and he has a lamb, goat, and steer, all that he shows amazingly. People keep telling me that he won't have his trained animals, but that doesn't matter to me. He will still have his showing style. And as long as he remains calm if things aren't perfect, he'll still kick ass. I don't know if I should worry so much about pigs. They're in a tiny pen where you can't really move around too much. Maybe just take the stance and everything might be okay.

There's been a lot going on at the fair. Maybe it's because I'm going to college with a friend who always encourages me to think for myself since for the last four years it's been just follow miller's lead. She's getting me to question some of her quirks, like not being able to sit in the pen withh our animals or even talk near our pen. It's little things like that. And that just because miller says that person is a jerk and I should avoid them at all costs doesn't mean anything. I shouldn't rely on people as much as I do....

Gotta study up for questions... not sure what to do besides breeds. Oh well...

And everyone's relying on me to beat homeboy... I don't want to let everyone down.
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So... life. [06 Jun 2005|09:13pm]

Peanut is my grandson and I love him ver much. His mommy is Coochy (below), a lamb that I jad two years ago at the fair that won first in her class. She's a first time mom and had her baby all by herself with no problems.

There's not many photos of prom because I hate my hair up, especially when they slick it back like they did. Couldn't change it either because I had to leave in an hour and I still had to do my makeup. Oh and like my tan lines? I tanned before, a lot, with a strapless bathing suit, but it still didn't go away.

Hell I love this picture.

Oh Marshall! He looked like freakin Willy Wonka! I swear the Drama group is hilarious

I like how no one has a black dress.

It was a group of 31. Yes, I was the odd one. My date bailed on me less than a week ahead and the drama grouop took me in. It was still fun, really realy stressful at first, but it turned out okay. And I still hate my hair, no matter what people said. Queen Mary wasn't that great and the lights were on the entire time. And all they played was black music. My friend calls it something else, but it still sucks. They played ACDC and I heard a girl say "who's this?" One of my friends also heard someone else say "How do we dance to this?" Gwen Stefani, shout, and ACDC were the only songs I liked that they played. Fucking black music, "don't freak but all we'll play is music you can freak to!" Sorry, I have a strong dislike for rap and hip hop.

So life is busy, all the graduation and end of the year things I need to do. Lots of animals and things like that. I don't think I'm going to do well at fair this year. My lambs not the greatest and we're already holding his weight back. Wendy's been showing a lot better than I have... so, I dunno. I just gotta keep at it I guess, not let myself down. I'm excited Steve asked me to show at the Del Mar fair. I feel special.

I suck at interviews. I don't get it. Everytime I interview I don't get what I interviewed for. Region officer, scholarship... actually I think that's it, but still I'm horrified to go to the Ken Johnson one. Especially since my sister has been doing so well in all her interviews. I haven't even had many animals- just one or two at the fair and then caring for breeding sheep! That's it! Some people have locker pigs and steers and sheep and I guess I'm just really nervous.

My fish is still alive, his name is JB.
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[03 Apr 2005|10:22pm]
Got really bored today. So how come all the quizzes are anime now?

RawrCollapse )
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[29 Mar 2005|08:06am]
Hells yeah! I learned how to knit! I'm going to make a scarf! Or at least when I can get the yarn and crap. Spring break has been pretty good. Today is my spring cleaning day. Yesterday I got rid of the piles of crap that I have and moved my computer back to my desk. Then went to Disneyland.

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[26 Mar 2005|03:27pm]
There's an invasion of butterflies outside

And I hate bugs, regardless of how "pretty" people think they are.
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[25 Mar 2005|06:34am]
This morning has been pretty eventful. So I said "I think I want to go to Chico" and was greeted with a resounding no. More like my parents saying things "you won't have a car," "are you sure you're ready for to be that far away?" (heck yes!), "it's going to cost us so much money for you to fly back and forth," "you've got to get more scholarships," "i worry about you going to chico." And that was one right after the other. So I asked them, what do you think if I said Pomona. Silence. "I'd feel less worried if you went there." Of course my parents both went to Pomona. I WANT to get away. I'm happiest when I'm not home. Like I figure I'd come home for like christmas, spring break, and... maybe that's it.

I don't know, they're stressing me out. Thank goodness we're playing bocci ball in Ag Econ this morning.
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An update on my Johnny List: [20 Mar 2005|07:20pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

Bold I've seen and can remember well. Italics I've either seen parts of it or seen a while ago and can't remember too well. Red I'm dying to see. The others... not too interested.

The Libertine (2004)
Finding Neverland (2004)
Secret Window (2004)
Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)
Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)
From Hell (2001)
Blow (2001)
Chocolat (2000)
Before Night Falls (2000)
The Man Who Cried (2000)
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
The Astronaut's Wife (1999)
The Ninth Gate (1999)
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
The Brave (1997)
Donnie Brasco (1997)
Nick of Time (1995)
Dead Man (1995)
Don Juan DeMarco (1995)
Ed Wood (1994)
What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
Benny & Joon (1993)
Arizona Dream (1993)
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Cry-Baby (1990)
"21 Jump Street" (1987)
Platoon (1986)
Slow Burn (1986)
Private Resort (1985)
A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

Rawr he's fucking hot
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[26 Feb 2005|09:39pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Stolen from moofoot
1. Take five books off your bookshelf.
2. Book #1 -- first sentence
3. Book #2 -- last sentence on page fifty
4. Book #3 -- second sentence on page one hundred
5. Book #4 -- next to the last sentence on page one hundred fifty
6. Book #5 -- final sentence of the book
7. Make the five sentences into a paragraph.

Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own [1]. The Green element of the Craft is basically an herbal one, and herbs are used both for medical and magical purposes... The very contact with Mother Earth and green growing thing is a source of renewal of energy and power for any witch [2]. This era of stability and growth arose as a direct result of the application by the Templars of a bizarre mix of their military skills and sacred gnosis [3]. "Now let me be quite sure on one or two points," said Pirot [4]. The sacred word: EGO [5].

1. Angels & Demons- Dan Brown
2. Green Witchcraft: Folk Magic, Fairy Lore, and Herb Craft- Ann Moura (Aoumiel)
3. Rosslyn: Gaurdian of the Secrets of the Holy Grail- Tim Wallace Murphy
4. Death on the Nile- Agatha Christie
5. Anthem- Ayn Rand

Haha I like how my books are about demons, witchcraft, holy grail, murder, and extreme communism. Angels & Demons was good, but not as good as Da Vinci Code. No I am not a witch, but it is a very interesting read if you are interested in the sacred feminine. Same with the Rosslyn book. I read DotN when I was in 7th grade and I still love it. And of course, the best book of my list, Anthem. It was required for my school, but I LOVE it. When I first read it I was so confused about the "we," I thought he had multiple personalities.

Hehe I love my books <3

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[21 Feb 2005|12:21pm]
Rain, rain, go away
Come again some other day
We want to go outside and play
Come again some other day

I guess it's not too bad. I mean nobody really wants to do anything on rainy days, not even go to someones house or anything indoors. Just doing things like reading, watching old black and white movies, watching the entire project runway marathon, things like that. Nice time to catch up on things for yourself.
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[16 Feb 2005|02:14pm]
1. BOLD anything that is true.
2. Leave plain anything that is not true.
3. Add something.

001. I miss somebody right now
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've tried marijuana.
009. I've watched a porn movie. damn you lauren and todd!
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I believe honesty is the best policy.
013. I have acne free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been told I have a nice butt.
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I shave my legs.
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent. yeah i can touch my nose with my tongue
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I think that I'm popular.
049. I am currently single. Not married
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my LJ!
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex. sometimes
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have tried alcohol before. vodka and rockstar, don't try it
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "SOUTH PARK" movie.
086. I have avoided assignments to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friend.
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. I Have a crush on somebody I have never met. yeah johnny depp
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now. hells yeah!
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Lost."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I don't change who I am for someone else.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I am a Senior in High School.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have gastritis.
124. I have nothing better to do with my time.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Most people call me by my middle name.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. Pi confuses me.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono.
132. I dont have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm only wearing underwear.
135. I had more than one Thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. I've drove to a different state to see a band I like.
137. Rootbeer is the best soda in the world.
138. Music is my life.
139. I love to paint.
140. I am annoyed by the notion of having to be politically correct.
141. I have the entire series of a tv show. Either on tv or on my computer.
142. My biggest fan is Bob Hope
143. I have been to a foreign country that is not in the Americas.
144. I have at least 3 animals.
145. I am planning on waiting at Barnes and Noble the night that "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" comes out.
146. I have a place in my heart for all showtunes.
147. The movie The Nightmare Before Christmas makes me happy.
148. I am a Christian.
149. I've been in a long distance relationship before.
150. I am in the military.
152. At least one of my children has a different last name than I do.
153. I am lactose intollerant.
154. I am planing to go to the Reading (Music) Festival next year
155. I currently have a manga obsession.
156. I noticed there are two 132s in this list
157. I listen to Bob Marley
158. I am a thespian.
159. I own a g-string.
160. I can fight with Sai's.
161. I believe Mountain Dew is a cure-all for any ailment.
162. I would do High School over again if given the chance.
163. I'm a Johnny Depp fan
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[13 Feb 2005|08:14pm]

My favorite memory
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[11 Feb 2005|09:22pm]
[ mood | blah ]

So on my way home from work, I decide I want to stop by blockbuster and get a movie. I wanted to get Ed Wood, but they didn't have it (bastards) so I ended up with Donny Brasco. Good movie... well it was okay. Johnny Depp was great, but it was one of those movies that made you go "oh... damn." Like it was good, but I guess it's just not my style movie. I'd rather be laughing or crying or pondering over what the hell the damn movie meant... but this one was just, not even a downer... I haven't said a word yet since I watched the movie, maybe five minutes ago. All I said was "oh... damn." And that's really how I can describe it. Although I must say the movie makes me want to say "forget about it" like every other sentence.

Here's my Johnny movie listCollapse )
Damn that guy is cool.
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[11 Feb 2005|08:45am]
I was so excited I just slid off my chair and called my mom! Whoo I'm happy!
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[10 Feb 2005|08:27pm]
Well whoop de fucking doo I'm sick again!
Dammit usually I'm never sick and all of a sudden I end up sneezing and a voice that sounds like a 90-year old smoker.

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[09 Feb 2005|05:46pm]
[ mood | decent ]

Okay so I was feeling pretty crummy before. Scholarships put me under a lot of stress. It all turned out okay, rushed and crazy, but it still got in on time. For like two hours I pretty much just sat and listened to music. It's amzaing how it just soothes you. Well yeah started off with some mellow rockabilly and then went nto some lively psychobilly (cuz if I just listen to the mellow stuff I'll fall asleep). Oh gosh, no devotchkas, I love them so much but it'll makes me so angry if I listen to them. One of my favorite bands and I don't listen to them too often because of that. I feel better, and that's all that matters.

I finally started something that I hadn't done in a while, for extemp. Just stand in front of my mirror, and ramble. Of course I only go on the topics that I like like education, leadership, contests, pub perception, those sorts. Foreign policy, legislation- ugh, gag me with a spork. I pretty much hate a few. Like the china and recycling one. Those have been on it for the last three years and I still hate them. I used to like biotech ones... until I screwed up on them last year. So they can fall down stairs and die. My folder is hot pink like last year, haha I'll have the most kick ass binder... even if there's just the old crap I used last year in it.

Today's feeling much better. For dinner I get yummy spaghetti with white sauce. yum! Tonight I can watch CSI, hopefully they're ones that I haven't seen yet. And PROJECT RUNWAY! Apparently all four of the remaining designers showed their collections at olympus fashion week. And although Jay is my absolute favorite and he kicks ass, my favorite collection was Kara Saun's. I still have to buy that Jay McCarroll shirt...

I posted a new survey and some more quizzes

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[03 Feb 2005|08:10pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I'm so fucking sick right now. Like everyone's sick it sucks. I just want to take my nyquil and pass out but I gotta do this FAFSA thing. It's like a scholarship/financial aid thing. But I have not fucking clue to what I'm doing, I mean how do I answer what type of tax return they did? And I'm yelling across the house "IRS 1040, 1040A, 1040EZ, or 1040Telefile?" I just want to cozy upp in my bed :(

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